Encouraging and Building up Those with ADHD
One day, I was sitting in my third-grade classroom, and we were working on a worksheet as a class. The teacher was bouncing around the room, having different students answer the questions. This was taking too slow for me, so I started to work ahead. While working ahead, I tried to keep tabs on where the rest of the class was so that, if called upon, I could answer the question without anyone knowing I was working ahead. The split second I lost where they were, I got called on. I answered the one I thought they were on, and my teacher goes, “We just did that one. You’re not paying attention. You can pull a card.” Pulling a card was our school’s form of punishment. If you pulled 5 cards in one week, you received detention. I was humiliated, but I was also frustrated. I felt like I got punished for being smart. I was not behind the class; I was ahead of them.
This was not an isolated incident. There were other times I got frustrated with how slow school moved. My fifth-grade teacher had a policy of not giving us our math assignments until everyone in the class understood the topic of the day. Math came easily for me in elementary school, so I frequently had to sit there and wait for my classmates to understand the lesson. Our teacher would do example after example until everyone was on the same page. This made me impatient and bored. One day, I got what I thought was a brilliant idea. I would pay attention until I understood the lesson, and then, I would attempt to fall asleep. I never actually fell asleep, but simply closing my eyes felt restful. One day, I was on the verge of falling asleep when I heard, “Having trouble staying awake, Alex?” I was again singled out, and again, I felt like I was punished for being smart. To this day, I don’t know why the teacher couldn’t have given the rest of the class the assignment and then given extra attention to the few students who needed a longer explanation of the topic du jour. It makes no sense to me and is frustrating.
Why do I tell these two stories today? I bring them up because it shows how ADHD can make our strengths feel like something to be embarrassed about. I was made to feel less than because of these two incidents. I should have been encouraged to use my intelligence, but instead, I was forced into boredom. The moral of these stories is teachers, parents, society, etc. should not shame our strengths but encourage them. I wish my intelligence would have been encouraged when I was younger. Instead, I did not believe I was intelligent. The closest anyone came to telling me I was intelligent was when I was told I should be getting better grades and that I needed to try harder. At such a young age, I needed to be told my strengths and have them be encouraged, not shamed. My self-esteem has never been great, and the messages I received when I was younger did nothing to help. So, what can be done to encourage young people (or even adults) with ADHD? I propose three action items we all can do.
Point Out Their Strengths
When you notice something someone with ADHD does well, tell them! It is hard to know what one is good at doing without the input of others. Those of us with ADHD tend to throw dirt on our accomplishments, chalking them up to a fluke or luck. Therefore, it is imperative to point out their strengths. This is something I strive to do with my clients. When I notice a strength, I try to point it out. I dream of a world where we all know our strengths and discovering our strengths is easy.
Give Them Opportunities to Flourish
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid”
The above aphorism speaks to an interesting truth. We often expect fish to climb trees. However, a fish is meant to swim. Why then do we expect a fish to climb a tree? Some people just don’t thrive in a standard classroom setting. These individuals would perform better if they were given a learning environment that was more conducive to their strengths. At my high school, we were pressured into going to college, a very one-size-fits-all environment. However, society needs plumbers. You do not learn to be a plumber in a traditional four-year college. Most of the training plumbers receive is on-the-job training. It is not learned sitting in a classroom discussing The Picture of Dorian Gray. There is merit to discussing literature, but it is not for everyone. I dream of a world where everyone is given an opportunity to learn and work in an environment that helps them thrive.
Be Positive More Than Negative
When my school would send home my papers at the end of the week, I wouldn’t notice the assignments where I had done well. My mind fixated on the ones where I got bad grades. It led me to hide the assignments on which I did poorly. My mom would then only see the good grades I received. (This was before online grading systems, mind you.)
The sad fact is negative feedback is stronger than positive feedback. Did my mom give me positive feedback on the assignments where I got good grades? It is entirely possible, but I don’t remember getting positive feedback. I only remember receiving a lecture about needing to try harder. (My mom is fantastic, by the way. She has come a long way in her understanding of ADHD and has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders.) As far as practical applications, we should strive to give more positive feedback than negative feedback. We should aim to build up children and adults with ADHD, not tear them down.
In Conclusion…
I want to end this blog post by stating that everyone has strengths, and there is a multitude of ways a person can be successful. However, the way we operate in society only glorifies certain strengths. I dream of a world where everyone knows their strengths and is lifted up by others who see those strengths.
If you are looking to develop your strengths and have them recognized by your own personal cheerleader, I encourage you to consider coaching.