My ADHD Story from My Mom's Perspective
We are doing something different for this week’s blog post. I will not be writing it. Instead, I’ll be turning over the reins of The Weekly Reset to someone else, my mother. This is my story from her perspective.
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Sometimes when I listen to Alex talk or read his writings on ADHD, I feel like I need to explain his history from my perspective. I am not a writer like he is nor am I an expert in his field but, I am his mother and I offer a bit different view on his discovery of the ADHD diagnosis. And… please don’t judge my writing skills. He obviously does not get his craft from me.
Alex was different from my other two children from the start. My earliest memory of him is when, at TWO WEEKS, he rolled from his back to his stomach. Some babies, at that age, will accidentally roll over from their stomach to their back but rolling the way he did is difficult for a baby to do even at two months. I remember thinking ‘you can’t do that yet’ and rolling him back onto his back. He promptly rolled right back …. I thought ‘ I might be in trouble’ :) . He was very active from this point up until about school age. He climbed everything in sight his first two years of life; I used a front pack carrier often because he was just so squiggly; getting him to nap once he could climb out of his crib was a nightmare. He would take apart his room (emptying all drawers, trying on different clothes, rummaging through the closest) along with dressing/undressing until he fell asleep. If I tried to lay by him to get him to sleep and not rummage around his room, he could outwait me and I would fall asleep first … he was adorable but we had to keep a close eye on him.
He always had a remarkable imagination - often a sign of intelligence from the parenting books I read. He also had a unique sense of humor - ahead of his age group. So, sometimes, they didn’t get his humor because they didn’t always understand it. Adults did - it was an interesting and at times, difficult combination.
Alex has also stated that I am a teacher and I often feel judged/disappointed with myself in this area. But, I do want people to understand these things:
A lot has changed with the understanding of how the brain works in the last 27 years (Alex’s current age). Alex was very high functioning - he developed coping skills or hiding skills that allowed him to fly under the radar. In the ‘90s and early 2000s, hyperactivity and low to failing grades were the main indicators. Plus, with a lack of resources, usually only the really poorly performing students got identified.
Teachers are not experts in specific learning issues/challenges. We get little training (at least no educators did when I went to school unless you were going to be a special ed teacher). We got a class or two in a wide range of ALL different learning issues. That is NOT even close to enough.
How to differentiate and deal with students with ADHD along with other learning challenges came when I was teaching - through in-service speakers; continuing education classes I picked myself, acquiring skills on the job, etc.
So, if you are a parent, don’t be afraid to advocate for your child. Teachers, don’t dismiss a parent when they give you info on their child - I know there is not enough time in the day to read it all but, this is their baby. Parents, don’t think all teachers are clueless either - they are doing the best they can with what they know. Some are very good at recognizing and adjusting what they do so ADHD students along with other students with challenges get what they need. (Also teachers could very well have at least ten different learning challenges in their classroom.) It is a partnership and we need to work together to help your child/student.
I will get off my soapbox and get back to Alex.
What Alex may not know or realize, I was that parent that stuck up for him with teachers. If they didn’t think he was paying enough attention or being lazy, I asked them what they did to keep him engaged. Standardized testing showed he was quite intelligent. Boredom also can factor into a student's attention or performance in the classroom. He also had different interests than some other students - were they accepting or did they try to get him to fit a mold?... I may have come back from parent-teacher conferences and discussed what the teachers saw with Alex, but I was trying to get him to see what they saw and have a plan to work forward. So, I think those coping skills Alex developed came from both of us. He was getting by … remember most resources went to the students who were really really struggling at that time. He may have seen my discussions in a negative light. He heard ‘try harder Alex’ but I was trying to get him to see what others saw, so he could adjust or deal with it and not be broadsided.
As a parent, you second guess yourself all the time. Alex fell off the kitchen island in a bouncy seat when he was a small baby while someone (I won’t say who) was supposed to be watching him. Did this enter into a change in how his brain works or developed? He also had some medical issues - hospitalized with pneumonia at 18 months; diagnosed with asthma (we even had our own nebulizer we needed one so often); ear tubes three or four times due to constant ear infections; diagnosed with Juvenile Arthritis in first grade; etc. Did all those different medications alter how his brain functioned or did he have those issues along with ADHD? Should I have read more … should I have learned more about medication interaction …. I read parenting books - maybe I read too many or not the right ones…. Do you see how my brain goes? Is it somehow my fault? Should I have caught it sooner?
So, my advice for parents is - like what Alex’s tells his clients - don’t beat yourself up. You did what you thought was helpful and right at that time. We always can learn and change.
Alex is an introvert - he wasn’t going to speak up and say ‘I am trying but something is off’. Or, maybe he wasn’t specific so I wasn’t specific … when you have issues like he did, there are all different ideas as to why. He’s an introvert; he’s different so socially, kids aren’t going to get him; he had different interests than others; etc. Again, he was high functioning. Those are the kids that I think are harder to help.
However, I will say that part of me is glad that we didn’t diagnose him early. He learned some effective coping skills that still help him even if he didn’t like feeling different. (I know this affected his self-esteem and still does.) He won’t be on medication his whole life. I always worry about the long term side effects of medication that he has to take. (There are alternatives to medication so don’t be hesitant to try different approaches. If something stops working, keep adjusting. That is how I see the medication part of ADHD - pay attention to how you are doing. At some point, YOU are your only advocate. You and only you know what is going on in your head - stay on top of your knowledge too. We are constantly learning new things about the brain.)
If I could go back and diagnose early, would it have helped with how he got along with others? I don’t know. Socially, life was difficult for Alex. He had two older siblings that were more similar to each other and were successful in school. He had to follow - as the youngest in a large family, I know what it is like to be compared … he, however, overcompensated and tried to be even more different which didn’t always help. Because of his different interests and humor, he often wasn’t included or respected and that is difficult to watch as the parent. Even church families that we spent a lot of time with when he was little, treated him as if he was an oddity and laughed at him. I had to distance myself from them - they would not ‘get it’ nor see anything wrong in how they treated or talked to or about him.
One thing I have never regretted- getting Alex a dog. The older two children had similar interests; I divorced and remarried so there were two little children after Alex … he needed an ally and something to be responsible for. If, as a parent, you can give your child something that is just their responsibility, this helps a lot. (I am not a pet person though - poop, hair, etc. not a fan. But, try it if you can … )
I could go on and on with stories about Alex - where his imagination took him; writings and plays (sports) I would find all over the house on scratch paper left here and there. But, I wanted you to see Alex from my perspective and see how difficult it is sometimes as a parent (and as a teacher) to help your child (student). Please know that we are doing the best we can and we are always learning as we go - especially from our children (and students).
Be gentle and understanding with yourself and your child.
Alex - I love you and I am proud of you. I am in your corner and always have been. You were my little snuggle buddy (must have gotten in all out then ;) and now, we just have different ways of being connected.
Love, Mom
. . .
Excuse me, while I wipe the tears from eyes….That was wonderful. Thanks, Mom! I love you!
I hope you, dear reader, enjoyed my story as told by my mom. It certainly has given me a better understanding of my mother and what went on during my childhood……And, parents, did you notice that she agrees with me and Dr. Edward M. Hallowell about dogs?