Resetting Shame
Shame is unfortunately a major part of the ADHD experience. When you have the challenges ADHDers have, you receive a lot of corrective or negative messages from other and yourself. This builds up and creates a mountain of shame.
Story Time: My Shame Spiral
In college, my prayer time was less fruitful than I desired it to be due to my inattention. If I could not focus on prayer, allegedly the most important part of my life, how could I claim that I was taking my faith seriously? My lack of focus began to weigh on me, and one thought began to dominate my mind: What is wrong with me? This is what led me to seek an ADHD diagnosis.
Before I got diagnosed with ADHD, the fact that I could not focus on prayer made me feel like crap. I love my faith. It is the most important aspect of my life. With an attitude like that, one would think that I could hyperfocus on prayer, but I cannot. It was (and still is) extremely frustrating to have an inability to focus while praying stunt my spiritual growth. I take my faith seriously. Yet, whenever an old lady approaches me and says how much she appreciates my reverence at church, I sometimes feel like a fraud. I think, “If you only knew how little I actually paid attention today…”
Talk about It
Part of the reason shame builds a home inside of an ADHDer is that ADHD is not openly discussed. We ADHDers need to talk about ADHD and how it affects us. The perspective and compassion others show us in those moments does a lot to raise our spirits. I used to hide my innermost thoughts and considered myself a private person, but I have grown. I now realize that vulnerability is good. It helps us navigate our problems with people who love and support us.
It is even more beneficial to discuss ADHD and the struggles therein with other ADHDers. Find your tribe! Connect with other ADHDers. Join a support group. Trust me. It is so nice to gather with other ADHDers. Every year, I attend the International Conference on ADHD, and it is so nice to spend a few days with a bunch of people who “get it.”
Don’t Judge Yourself by Your Productivity
“No matter what gets done and what is left undone, I am enough.”
When I was a full-time freelance writer, I let my word count dictate how I felt about my day. On days I hyperfocused on writing, that was fine. That big number made me feel proud and like I was doing something productive. However, on the days when writer’s block showed up instead of hyperfocus or when ADHD kicked my butt, I felt bad about myself and shame became a huge issue.
Your value is inherent. It is not something earned or dependent on your productivity. You are a valuable human being, no matter what you do or have done. You, dear reader, are enough.
Self-Care
Take care of yourself. Do it. Do it right now. It is difficult to feel good about yourself if you are not taking care of yourself. Eat healthy foods. Get some exercise. Spoil yourself every now and then. Take some time to have fun every day. Get regular medical care, including mental health care. It is not a sign of weakness to attend to your psychological needs. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.