Love Unscripted: Exploring the Dating Scene with ADHD

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I started this blog in 2018, and I have been in and out of relationships during that time. I have not, however, talked about the dating process on this blog before. Dating is a tricky thing, and ADHD does not make things easier. It complicates the matter. So, let’s explore the dating process and ADHD a bit in this post.

Fear of Rejection

Those of us with ADHD are prone to a fear of rejection. This stems from the strong pain and heartache we feel when we are or perceive we have been rejected. Having this intense reaction to rejection causes us to avoid situations where we might be rejected. Hiding from these situations only causes isolation, which intensifies the negative emotions we feel. The antidote is to put oneself out there and risk rejection. Yes, this is terrifying, but the alternative is being alone. Furthermore, the more one puts oneself out there, the easier it becomes to face the possibility of rejection.

Apps

One “safe” way to put oneself out there is by signing up for a dating app or several. Online dating no longer carries the stigma it once did. Many people meet their significant other on an app these days. Swiping left or right does not have the intense emotional stakes of approaching someone in public. Yes, you can still be rejected by someone on a dating app, but the sting is lessened by the distance the app creates.

First Dates

Eventually, you have to meet your date in person if you met on an app or alone if you met them in a group setting. This presents all sorts of challenges. You still have the fear of rejection, and you feel a need to put your best foot forward. Sometimes, there is a feeling that one should mask one’s ADHD symptoms. However, you also need to be yourself. There is also the question of whether or not to disclose you have ADHD on the date. All of these things can run through your head as you are there with the other person, making it even harder to concentrate. Focus is not easy for those of us with ADHD, nervousness makes the issue worse.

Being in a Relationship

If you survive the first few dates and things become “official,” you enter into a relationship with the other person. This presents challenges, some new, some old.

Rejection Sensitivity

You are still sensitive to rejection, especially early in the relationship. I feel fear of the relationship ending months into a relationship. Even after I get over the fear of rejection, something simple can bring back my sensitivity to rejection. It is hard to manage all the aspects of a relationship, and any slip-up brings up fears of the relationship ending.

Memory

Those of us with ADHD have memory challenges. In a relationship, you have to remember all sorts of things. There are milestones to celebrate, and birthdays to remember. You also have to remember the things that are important to your significant other. Balancing all of that is tricky.

Hyperfocus

One other challenge in a relationship is hyperfocus. You can focus on one thing too much. This could be a hobby that makes it hard to find time for your significant other, or it could be the significant other, causing you to neglect friendships or family relationships. In short, balancing the right amount of focus in a relationship is no easy task.

Tips

So, what can be done with all of these challenges? Here are some dating tips to help you in your dating life (Note: I am far from a dating expert):

• Communicate. Talk things out with those you are pursuing or dating. Let them know your struggles, and also get clear on how they feel about you. Do not assume they are pulling away or rejecting you.

• Find someone who gets ADHD or is interested in learning about it. Not everyone comes with a solid amount of knowledge about ADHD, but someone willing to learn is incredible. Heck, you would find a lot of understanding from someone who also has ADHD.

• Marry the right person. Do not settle. If someone is not willing to work with you and is understanding of your challenges, do not marry them.

• Have fun. Dating should be fun. Do not be so serious about it. Yes, it is a big deal, but if it is not fun, it will not be something that adds to your life. You are looking to enhance your life.

• Do not look for someone to fix you. Any area where you need improvement is going to have to be improved by you. Also, ADHD does not make you broken.

• Do not try to fix the other person. If they are not who you need them to be, move on. Find someone else.